Many will read this, and some of you will think, “Well... Yeah, girl!”; while others will think and feel, “me too.” This is precisely what I have struggled with and fought with my self over for years. There are several circumstances, subjects, even opinions, where I too respond, “Well... Yeah...” and stand firm in that. When it comes to myself, I say it in theory; however, I have not been able to always keep that same energy.
I’ve tossed myself to the back of the line for years. I’ve put what I wanted on hold, I’ve found every reason as to why I cannot, all the while supporting others, speaking for others, and just downright doing for others. And most of all, holding space for those who couldn’t spell space in return.
This last year has not been a pity party by any means. There have been moments of doubt, regret, fear, and there have even been tears. We can’t forget the tears. But what there has not been was any of the “what about me,” or “if only they would...” sentiments. I have simply gotten up and moved as if it was me and only me who mattered. Where I once struggled with the perception of others’ feelings or attitudes towards me, I just had to dig deep and say it will work for me later. I had to end toxic friendships and ties. You know the ones where you’re always giving and never receiving, the ones who test and push to see what they can get but are never concerned about what they give in return. I had to end relationships that always caused me to blur or ignore my boundaries. I had to be real about why I chose some over others, and be ok with that.
I did not try to explain myself, I did not try to get others on board. I simply dropped what I no longer wanted, what no longer served me, what no longer encouraged my growth, goals, and dreams. I had to accept that this choice would not always lead to carefree days. I had to admit that some days and things would be painful, but I was thoroughly reminded that this was growth. This was me choosing myself and stepping into who I am destined and designed to be. This was me stepping into the space that I had so often provided for others but desperately needed for myself.
This turn was also me leaving behind old self-sabotaging practices and beliefs. This was me turning away from procrastination as a coping mechanism. This was me taking the time to unlearn every negative title and thought that I had taken on over the last 17 years. This was me coming out of hiding. This was me allowing myself to simply be who I felt I was.
It’s been nothing short of amazing. I can actually look back and take inventory four months ago, six months ago, and 8 months ago. And I am shocked about the changes I’ve made just by merely being Candace. Being kind to Candace, loving Candace, enjoying my own company. I could hear my mother’s voice telling me, “be with yourself”. When I was in my 20s, I was all over the place, trying to do what I felt I missed out on in high school. Trying to fit in with people who I felt were my people”. *Insert long disgusting eye roll and tongue click. Glad that I wasn’t too much to handle, but my decisions led me to a lot of sadness and guilt.
Well, I have finally got it. Message received. I now understand that my mother was really trying to teach me how to enjoy my own company and how to take care of myself.